Late Night ReflectionsNovember 23, 2020 1:45am
Current Mood: nostalgic
Currently Listening To: quiet, for the most part
Sitting awake pondering small human mysteries as I occasionally do. Feeling a little lonely. Feeling slightly homesick for places that currently are not even open or around anymore. Missing people who probably no longer even resemble the ones quietly cherished in old memories. Nostalgia is a bitch and yet it seems sadder somehow to forget everything. So many good memories mixed in with so many dark and chaotic ones. Friends who were gone far too soon. Embraces I wish I could feel again. Voices I would pay almost any price to hear again.
Life goes by fast and so much is lost to time and circumstance. So much can be left unsaid.
I feel a bit like Hannibal Lecter in Red Dragon after Will Graham tells him "I might not have time."
"I do. I have oodles."
Oodles would be a good way to describe the amount of time there is to sit around and think now. It is hard to stay out of the past when not much is happening in the present and the future seems to be on hold for the time being. Consume, clean, create or reminisce - those are your four basic options when life is telling you to stay the fuck home.
I stayed in Seattle for far too long and for some reasons that now seem a bit foolish, and yet I miss it a little tonight. For all the flaws the city had, it was home for longer than any other place in my adult life. Even with the good reasons there were for leaving, it ripped my heart out a bit to go. Thirteen years and it went by in a flash. I made so many friendships, danced so many nights away and took part in so much crazy, debaucherous fun. Ran around during hours I had no business being out at more times than I can count. Learned to do things I never thought I would have the confidence for. Saw tons of beautiful and creative people, places and artwork. Had my third child there and raised my kids up in the city for the most part. Was in love more than once. Spent part of it as a stay-at-home mom and also worked a few jobs I loved. Reached some of my highest highs and lowest lows while living there.
It was a wonderfully complex and long chapter and it contained a lot of darkness as well. Much of it I did not feel comfortable with sharing for quite a while. Some stories I still do not share with anyone. There are times I wish life would have taken other paths. I wish I had been more loyal to how I felt on the inside years back and had spoke up and out more often. Wish I had seen the same potential in myself that others claimed to have seen. Wish I hadn't lost my fucking nerve a few times when it mattered most. What could have been if I had only been braver...
Life does not wait for you to learn your lessons on time however, it moves on with or without your approval. All there is to do now is hold onto it because it is the only history I have, and remember the good parts without dwelling on the bad. The parts full of smiles, laughter and delightful madness.